A Dozen Ways She May Not Be The Girl of Your Dreams.

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Author: Katz, Dian

The movie How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days was my inspiration for this column on ill-fated relationships. Although the movie was a fictitious comedy, there definitely is a message here that we all would be wise to heed. When it comes to romance and getting to know a girl, it is just as important to learn what are some of the biggest mistakes people make. Sometimes we are so caught up in the excitement of a potential romance that we fail to notice the RED FLAGS. The signals are there and hopefully this column may help you to discover some of them. Here's an even dozen of things to keep in mind regarding what are real "deal busters" during the initial stages of dating:

1. POURING OUT DEEP SEATED PROBLEMS

The process of getting to know someone is precisely that â€" a process. If we want healthy relationships, we have to be willing to be patient and take the time necessary to develop a healthy rapport. Naturally, there is a level of honesty that both parties want to share. However, it must be a gradual process until the foundation of the relationship is strong enough to handle such heavy information. The chances of a partnership making it will be much greater if deep seated issues are revealed slowly over time and only after trust is established. If your date is spilling her whole life's history in big, gory details on that first date, that could signal a RED FLAG.

2. SHE SAYS YOU REMIND HER OF EX

This may sound like a no-brainer but believe me, there are plenty of people who do this on the very first date. At the onset, the last thing you want to hear is that the things you do, say or look like, remind your date of her ex. Wouldn't this make you wonder, "Hmm, is she over her ex? Is there a little too much BAGGAGE here?" Ex's should be placed in a category called, "that was then, this is now." When looking for a new relationship, both individuals should be thinking of their ex's as yesterday's news or they really are not ready to begin dating again. So, in the beginning, if your date is comparing you to her ex big time that could be a RED FLAG.

3. TOO EARLY TO TALK ABOUT MOVING IN

Again, healthy relationships are built on strong foundations which are developed over time. The first few weeks of a relationship are usually what is called limerance. This is the stage where one feels very much in love with all the sparks, fireworks, bells and whistles going off in all directions. Unfortunately, it is not usually the real love stage (even if it feels like it). Real love takes time to be developed â€" it very seldom "just happens." Because the limerance stage is so intense and so exciting, many people act on impulse and are thinking emotionally not logically as they blurt out their feelings. You really do not know this other person and her personality may be nothing like this later on when she is not on her "best" behavior. Only time can allow you to really get to know someone. Of course the rules are flexible. However if your new date is already planning on living together, or maybe you're hearing wedding bells and talk of forever after and it's just been a date or two, this could be a RED FLAG.

4. TOOTHBRUSH IS IN THE HOLDER

A mutual agreement that your date is going to spend the night can be the beginning of real intimacy. However, if your date starts to leave a few personal items, like a toothbrush, underwear, a few outfits â€" think twice. One might really be concerned if she brings extra clothes on the first sleepover and is making space for them in your closet or drawers. Was this by mutual consent or is it just a surprise or â€" a shock? Could be a RED FLAG

5. DATING A GIRL WHO STILL LIVES WITH EX

What were you thinking? No, seriously, many of us can easily be persuaded by the girl telling us that she is no longer cares about her ex, yada, yada. This may be true but the point is, you'll be in a triangle situation until someone's out of there. Is there room for all of you in this picture? If this is the case, get to know her on a platonic level until she is free and clear. Living with her ex and wants you badly? It's a RED FLAG!

6. RECEIVING GIFTS BEFORE FIRST DATE

This is far too premature and presumptive for her to be engaging in this behavior when you have not yet dated. We all enjoy the idea of romance but the work environment is off limits at this stage. If you're receiving this kind of "stuff' at work and you haven't yet begun to date â€" RED FLAG.

7. PROPOSING MARRIAGE ONLINE

Similar to number six. How can she know "you're the one" if you haven't even met? Sure there may be feelings there but come on now, marriage is a serious commitment. Take the time to really get to know each other, to see each other live, to see if you really are a twosome before jumping into something as serious as a lifetime together. If the girl you email online is hitting you up for the big "M" before you even meet â€" RED FLAG.

8. JEALOUSY AND POSSESSIVENESS

Being jealous and possessive is not healthy. Healthy love is about trust. When your partner trusts you, she doesn't make you a hostage. She doesn't try to own you. Each partner allows the other to freely spend time with others with a knowing that the love remains strong between them. When jealousy and possessiveness are high, you don't have love. You have dysfunction. Sometimes an occurrence causes a little jealousy and possessiveness now and then. However, it's the pattern and way of relating that determines the unhealthiness. If you have had only one date and she's jealous and possessive already, it's a RED FLAG!

9. TELLING YOU THAT ALL HER OTHER GIRLFRIENDS WERE PSYCHOTIC

Well, let's ponder on this one. You're dating a girl who is telling you that all of her other girlfriends are nuts. Could it be possible that she is choosing unhealthy people and categorizes them all as crazy? You better think this through. If she is constantly attracted to sick people, what does that tell you about her â€" and you? The bottom line is that healthy people attract healthy people. All types of people can be attracted to you BUT if you're healthy, you aren't going to be attracted to them. So if you are dating a girl who says all her past relationships were "wacky" it's definitely a RED FLAG.

10. OBSESSIVELY CALLING YOU

Although this may sound strange, it is extremely common in the lesbian community. For some reason, some women feel they need to constantly call their potential dating partners a zillion times. When getting to know someone, it's better to let it flow. Constant checkups can be an utter strain to darn annoying. If she's calling you every five minutes or every hour, think about the future! RED FLAG.

11. SLIPPING OUT OF HER CLOTHES

What was it about NO that she didn't understand? When you have said, "Let's take it slow," and she doesn't, don't fall for this obvious invitation. Stick to your guns and take it easy. This is also a much healthier approach. Once you get sexually involved, the hormones start flowing and all your good intentions go down the dumper. At this point, it's too blurred to check things out. When you have told her to slow down and instead she speeds up â€" RED FLAG.

12. SHE'S AT YOUR DOOR WITH GROCERIES

Surprises are great but maybe you were planning on a night alone with a good book and here she is with a steak and all the fixings. The only way to look at this is she is presumptive. It's definitely a very awkward situation for you both. Do you invite her in, make excuses â€" the evening is up for grabs. You may make the best of it, or actually be delighted, but if this behavior becomes habitual and finding her uninvited on your doorstep starting to bug you, it's a RED FLAG.

The above are just a few things to consider in the beginning of the dating game. It's hard to make set rules in affairs of the heart because there are so many variables. These are only suggestions. Perhaps some of these ideas don't hold true for you. That's OK but for the most part, they have been helpful to many people. Dating should be carefree and happy. It's all about getting to know someone to see if she is going to be a potential partner for you â€" if that is what you are looking for. In short, we all want a compatible partner and the more we practice certain healthy behaviors, the greater are our chances are for a successful romance.

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By Dian Katz, MS

Dian Katz has a master's in counseling with emphasis in marriage, family and child counseling. She is the author of Love Hurts: A Spiritual Journey To Wholeness.