A Girl's Best Friend Is... Her Mother-in-Law?

My mother's feelings about her mother-in-law could be summed up in one word: murderous. When I was a child, it was hard for me to square the image I had of Grandma Esther--an endlessly generous woman who always had an open wallet and an open candy box--with that of the devious, manipulative character I overheard my mother and aunt talking about when they thought my little ears were tuned to a different frequency. But there it was.

Certainly, my mom's attitude was a common one. For years, the nagging, interfering mother-in-law has been a stock figure in comic routines, movies, and TV shows. The 1960s sitcom The Mothers-in-Law dealt with the travails of a young couple living in her parents' garage (and next door to his parents' house). Even songwriters have taken their turn: "If she leaves us alone/we could have a happy home," went the lyrics of the 1961 pop song "Mother-in-Law."

We all know the clichés by heart. When she's not talking about all the wonderful girls her precious son could have married, she's loudly questioning the way her daughter-in-law spends time (not enough with her) and money (too much on herself), as well as how she cleans the bathroom (not well), cooks a pot roast (too well), and is bringing up the children (don't get her started).

But if doesn't have to be that way. Think about it for a second: A mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship doesn't have the overlay of the mother/daughter one. There aren't all those charged issues from childhood--all the things you wish your mother had (or hadn't) done. And on a practical level, a mother-in-law is a great source of archival information about your husband.

My friend Donna, a television producer who's Velcro-close to her husband's mom, views her as an alternative role model. "My mother-in-law has always had a job, and my mom never did," Donna says. "I think my mom was dubious about whether I could handle a job and kids, and she wasn't very supportive. Now that she's 82, she's more accepting, but my mother-in-law was accepting 20 years ago, when I really needed it!" The two hit it off immediately. "Because we lived in the same city, we went shopping together for my wedding dress and china, and it developed into a friendship," she says. "We started going out to lunch together, just the two of us, and we still do. She had three boys, and I think she was looking forward to having a daughter-in-law."

On these pages, we listen in on three sets of loving mothers- and daughters-in-law...as they talk about everything from how they got close to how they keep the peace.

Daughter-in-law Millice Kane

Age 60

Married 36 years

Children ten, ranging in age from 18 to 35

Occupation provides child care in her home

Residence Collingswood,

New Jersey What she calls her mother-in-law Mrs. Kane or Mamacita

Husband John

Mother-in-law Mercita Kane

Age 88

Married 59 years, now widowed

Children four

Occupation retired speech therapist and English teacher

Residence Sicklerville, New Jersey

LET ME COUNT THE WAYS

Mercita I'm glad my son John got her, because she's so loving. She's just naturally that way.

BABY-SITTER EXTRAORDINAIRE

Millice A few days before I was scheduled to join my husband on a business trip, six out of my then-seven children got the chicken pox. My mother-in-law insisted that I go and that she would take care of everybody. And she did. She gave them oatmeal baths and everything. Nearly nine months later, my twins were born. She said, "OK, that's the last time I'm taking care of the kids while you're on vacation!" But, of course, that promise didn't hold up.

THE GRAND SCHEME OF THINGS

Mercita I don't snoop.

Millice She never interferes. My mother, on the other hand ....

Daughter-in-law Mary Mannella

Age 40

Married 14 years

Children one

Occupation stay-at-home mom Residence Pittsburgh What she calls her mother-in-law Mom

Husband Ed

Mother-in-law

Marlene Mannella

Age 66

Married 47 years

Children four

Occupation retired warehouse

manager Residence Pittsburgh

FIRST IMPRESSIONS

Marlene She was so sweet and vivacious when we met. From the very beginning, she just bent over backward to do things for me.

PICKING UP THE PHONE

Mary When Ed has to be out of town on business, I talk to Marlene a lot. I've gotten upset about being lonely, and she's been so supportive. Marlene is a really good listener. I can talk to her about anything, and she'll be really honest with me. One thing she has taught me is to not worry about what other people think but to do what's right for me. If I don't talk to her for a week, she doesn't get upset. She just figures we're busy.

TRIAL BY BEEF STEW

Marlene We invited Mary to supper at our house when she and Ed were dating. My husband, Jim, likes to try cooking new dishes, and that night he did something called peasant stew with beef, served with a heavy red Zinfandel. It was not the best thing in the world. Mary dutifully sat there, eating and smiling and smiling. I finally said, "Mary, this is awful. You don't have to eat it." And relief just swept over her face. She looked at me and, with great emotion, said, "Oh, thanks!"

Daughter-in-law

Carrie Halford

Age 27

Married six years

Children two

Occupation works part-time at Home Depot

Residence Fort Calhoun, Nebraska-right next door to her mother-in-law What she calls her mother-in-law Linda Husband Neil

Mother-in-law

Linda Halford

Age 53

Married 33 years

Children two

Occupation bank manager

WHAT'S THEIR SECRET?

Carrie We're both willing to overlook things. I have a five-year-old and a two-year-old, so I don't always have all the wash and the toys put away. I know it drives Linda crazy, but she doesn't say anything to me. When I go out, and she watches the kids at my place, she'll have picked up things by the time I come home-and that's OK. I know she's trying to help out.

NOW THAT YOU MENTION IT...

Linda Carrie probably mentioned that I vacuum every day. I'd like her to maybe be a little tidier. But things don't bother her the way they do me. As a rule, I am determined not to put my two cents in--which can be hard, because they live right next door. When Carrie and Neil were building their home, there were things I could have said, but they didn't ask, and I stayed out of it.

A MATTER OF TRUST

Linda She's very nurturing. Every mother wants her son to be well taken care of, but when you have a child who was born healthy and had an accident that left him sightless, you're a little overprotective. Neil has a job--he's a sales supervisor for a travel insurance company. But it makes me feel good that he has a partner like her to share his life with.

GOT AN EXTRA HOTEL ROOM FOR ME?

Carrie One of my friends can't comprehend that Linda and I are so dose. My own sisters say, "You live next door, and now you're going on vacation together?" No one can believe it. IM.-PHOTO (COLOR): CARRIE & LINDA Carrie, left, and Linda love nothing better than being spoiled at a spa. They often get manicures and pedicures together.

PHOTO (COLOR): Mercita, left, "has always been there for me," says Millice. Her mother-in-law returns the compliment: "When I have a problem to solve, I call her first."

PHOTO (COLOR): Marlene, left, and Mary love to trade mysteries and romance novels.

~~~~~~~~

By Joanne Kaufman