Girl Meets Boy.

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Author: Kott, Andrea

FINDINGS

In Dilemmas of Desire, her 2002 book on teenage girls and sexuality, Deborah Tolman found that because girls feel they have little power in sexual encounters, they often allow things to happen rather than make choices. The book, which won an award from the Association for Women in Psychology, drew on interviews with 31 urban and suburban girls, ages 15 to 18. It is part of Tolman's six-year study of adolescent sexual health, which found that invariably, if unwittingly, gender stereotypes teach boys and girls how they are expected to behave and what kind of behavior to expect from one another. Behavior based on these stereotypes can, in turn, undermine their psychological and sexual development as well as their nascent attempts at romance and intimacy.

When girls are afraid to take ownership of their sexuality, much is at stake: low self-esteem, teen pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases, including H.I.V., and violence such as date rape. To fully understand why girls have trouble taking ownership, Tolman realized she would have to understand their experiences with boys and their expectations of boys' behavior. "If we focus only on girls being more assertive…we're going to miss the big player, which is what they believe about boys," she says.

Tolman, who directs the Center for Research on Gender and Sexuality at San Francisco State University, broadened the scope of her research to investigate conventional expectations of masculinity and how they affect both adolescent male and female sexuality. Her findings reveal the tension many boys feel about what it means to be a man.

Tolman's new study, which was funded by the Ford Foundation, included 244 ethnically diverse boys and girls from working-class and middle-class families from urban and suburban neighborhoods in a Northeastern city. Fifty-two percent of the students in the study were white; the rest were Latino and biracial.

Tolman drew her main conclusion from interviews with 25 boys, ages 13 to 15, who described their experiences with romantic relationships and sexuality. Tolman's interviews began when all the participants were in the eighth grade. Tolman interviewed them again at two-year intervals, when they were in the 10th and 12th grades. (The later data was not available at press time.

Tolman was surprised by the stories boys told her. Most said they wanted an emotionally close and honest relationship with a girl. Skater, 13, said he wanted a girlfriend who would "hang out" with him like a friend and share his interests,…Yacute;like you don't just hang around them to make out." Mattla, 14, said, "I used to like girls that would just like do stuff and everything [making out]…but now I like to have a relationship with girls."

Tolman was also surprised to hear boys' caution about sex. Some voiced concerns about protection against disease and pregnancy. "It doesn't matter to me…whatever she wants to do as long as it's not like sex or going all the way or something like that," one boy said. Tolman found that boys who had sexual relationships did not approach them casually but appreciated the link between sexual and emotional intimacy. To 14-year-old J.J., for example, a French kiss means he and his partner are "going out…being girlfriend and boyfriend…that there was love between us two."

She was particularly surprised by the discomfort, even shame, some boys said they felt after having a superficial physical or sexual relationship with a girl. One 13-year-old said he regretted succumbing to peer pressure to play a truth-or-dare kissing game. "It was a big rip off, a disappointment," he said, "because it really didn't mean anything. In a way, that's just like rude to myself."

Most of the boys lamented the constant pressure to demonstrate their masculinity and heterosexuality while masking any hint of sensitivity or emotion. This pressure often forces boys to sink into what Tolman calls a "quicksand of practices" that indicate they want and are prowling for sex. Some prove themselves simply by having a girlfriend, which one 14-year-old said shows people "that you are macho or more of a man." Others engage in public displays of sexuality, like kissing their girlfriend in public. When James, 14, did that, his friends exclaimed, "We saw you kissing. You're the man!"

Tolman found that a common response to such peer pressure is to be aggressive toward girls. Boo, 13, echoed several boys who said that being masculine meant controlling their relationship with a girl. "Like, they tell her what do to, or how to dress or like who she can hang around with," he said. At the same time, he said, boys are not supposed to display any emotion or weakness. "They're not supposed to be sensitive or…open with their problems."

When viewed as weak, boys say they are at risk of being called gay. Acting aggressively or even violently toward girls is their way of combating that risk, Tolman says.

In anticipation of boys' coercive behavior, girls armor themselves by mistrusting boys and maintaining emotional distance, Tolman found. For instance, some girls break up with boys prematurely, in anticipation of being pressured for sex. One 13-year-old girl warns boys, "…you can go out with me [but] you have to realize that you're not going to have sex with me. The kissing is going to be done whether I like it, and if I don't like, well then it's off."

Although her words communicate a sense of power and control, they also reveal a more subtle dynamic, according to Tolman. The girl's stance, Tolman explains, leaves little room for her own feelings, and she may end up thwarting a boy's attempt to establish a genuine emotional connection.

As with her earlier research, Tolman plans to publish her findings in journals read by scholars, psychologists and health professionals. Ultimately, she hopes her research will encourage parents, community leaders and educators to counter the negative aspects of conventional notions of masculinity and femininity.

For her part, Tolman worked with MTV to develop a short series called "Busting the Double Standard." Its examination of gender stereotypes and sexual health reached millions of young viewers. Promoting more equitable perspectives will, Tolman believes, help adolescents develop the confidence to make healthy choices about sexuality and to form relationships based on trust, sensitivity and respect.

© 2003 Ford Foundation

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By Andrea Kott